Please, No
by Ajluv
Summary: A list of guidelines, and suggestions on how to successfully survive in a house of hormonal teenagers with less then perfect mental capabilities. In other words, life in Anubis House is cray-cray and if you want to live, you need to follow these rules.
1. The Rules

**The original list of rules was posted on my story The Things I Love About You, but after getting such a positive response, I decided to expand it and perhaps write a oneshot on each rule? If so, I might do rule 30 first. It's my favorite. Any other specific ones you want me to write? I will also take new rule ideas if you have any. Anyway, please enjoy and review.**

1. Please do not break up over the summer and not tell your housemates about it.  
The resulting tantrum is not worth it.

2. Touch Patricia's shoes and you're DEAD.

3. Never do Gangnam Style in front of Victor. It confuses and infuriates him.

4. Touch any of Patricia's jewelry and you're DEAD.

5. Never insult Trudy's cooking, especially her pancakes, in front of the residents of Anubis house. Trudy does not like it when her sweet angels turn into thugs.

6. Basically touch any of Patricia's stuff and you're DEAD.

7. Never look under the porch of Anubis House.

8. Wear earplugs on Finals week. To relieve stress, Fabian sings John Mayer at the top of his lungs.

9. Don't sit between Eddie and Patricia when they're fighting.

10. Any leftover takeout will mysteriously disappear unless you claim it.

11. Trudy CAN and WILL put you in the corner.

12. Don't call Mick a werewolf. He's very sensitive about his hairy chest.

13. K.T pays for Friday night pizza, so there's NO need WHATSOEVER to tell her that she runs funny.

14. Yelling "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" when Victor comes out of his office is funny, but cleaning the toilets is not.

15. Shut the black market for gum down NOW!

16. No more Mountain Dew.

17. Stop hoarding Mountain Dew Alfie! You're making our addictions worse!

18. Eddie. Get out of the closets.

19. Taking Isis House's mascot is hilarious. Please be sure to do that again.

20. To see your precious mascot again, please place twenty cans of Mountain Dew in the bushes next to the Frobisher-Smythe library.

21. No puppies. (A Victor rule.)

22. No cats. (A Patricia rule.)

23. We never speak of the giant hole in the coat room floor.

24. We don't put Victor's stuffed raccoon into bed with people.

25. NO MAKING OUT AT THE TABLE!

26. Colbierre is not a piñata, a karaoke microphone, or a paintbrush.

27. No more themed birthday parties

28. Flooding the boys bathroom with several feet of lemonade is hilarious. Especially since Fabian is the next one to open the door.

29. Smearing glops of Nutella in the girls bathroom is also hilarious. The video of them freaking out has a million hits on YouTube.

30. All those bold enough to blast Blurred Lines run the risk of having to explain to Victor what Blurred Lines is about. You have been warned.

31. We don't watch movies that involve the following: possession, creepy chess games or feet.

32. House hugs are not to be missed.

33. Teenagers can be REALLY competitive, so please. No more tag.

34. The writer agrees that the last Oreo is worth fighting for, but that does not mean you can tackle Eddie. Ahem. Alfie. Ahem.

35. Eddie. Get out from behind the couch.

36. Trudy is sweet, mother like, and kind. She will also will not hesitate to whup your butt.

37. It is now mandatory to bring rolls of paper towels and umbrellas to Disney Movie night.

38. We don't drink soda out of the Cup of Ankh.

39. Mob wars over gum? Really?

40. Always have fun. (Just as long as it's not Mountain Dew induced fun.)


	2. Rules 7, 21 and 22

**Well, it took me all weekend, but. I finally wrote a few drabbles that I was happy with! Anyway, I apologize about this not being Rule 30, but rest assured it is coming. I must be on my tenth draft right now, but I'll get it up eventually. Anyway, thank you so much for the amazing support! It's really awesome and I thank each and everyone of you!**

**Rule 7**

**Never look underneath the porch of Anubis House.**

"I think the football rolled down there." Patricia pointed toward the porch.

Eddie scrutinized the dark space. "Are you sure?"

Patricia nodded. "Pretty."

He shrugged, looking uneasy. "Okay."

He crouched down and peered into the space. "I think I see it!" He called, scooting further into the abyss.

"Well hurry!" Patricia called, then waited. No response.

"Eddie?"

Nothing.

Then all of the sudden, Eddie was scrambling out from underneath the porch and yanking Patricia away from the gaping hole.

"What-Eddie! What's the matter?" She asked, struggling as he pulled her toward the house. "What'd you see?"

Eddie gulped and glanced back, as if making sure nothing was following them.

"Nothing I wish to disclose at this moment." He squeaked.

**Rule 21**

**No dogs. (A Victor rule)**

Victor stared at the puppy currently sitting on his shoe. The puppy stared back.

Victor frowned. The puppy licked its chops and began panting happily.

"Trudy!" He called. "The house seems to have been invaded by vermin! Please call the exterminators!" He pointed at the puppy and hissed "You will leave my house you little flea ridden beast, or I will stuff you and sell you to a museum."

The puppy lifted a leg and peed on Victor's shoe. As if to say, _yeah, I don't like you either._

**Rule 22**

**No cats. (A Patricia rule)**

"Please Patricia! If you vote yes, then we have enough signatures for a House cat!" Alfie pleaded.

"No."

"But why not!" He whined, clutching the pen and paper in his fingers.

Patricia finished flipping through her phone and held it out to him.

"Ugh!" He cried, recoiling at the pink and purple fleshy blob on the screen. "What is that?"

Patricia grinned menacingly."That my friend, is what happens when I am exposed to cat hair."

Alfie looked at the screen again, making a face. "Yuck."

Patricia nodded. "You want to get a cat Alfie? Be my guest. But if you do, that beast is waking up." She glanced down at the phone screen and back up at Alfie. "And it's coming for you."


	3. Rules 23, 11, 35, and 18

**Hey! Hope you guys like dis chappy! LOL I suk at Sum-sums! Seriously though. Thanks for the amazing reviews, and the continuing patience as I find the strength to tell my self: Gurl, you needz to update. Enjoy!**

**Rule 18**

**Eddie, get out of the closets.**  
"He does not have a problem with hiding!" Patricia yelled indigently, crossing her arms defiantly.

Joy shook her head. "You're delusional."

Patricia frowned. "How?"

Joy turned around and opened the closet door. Eddie waved. "Hi girls!" She closed the door and smirked.

"He's got a problem."

**Rule 23  
We never speak of the hole in the coatroom floor.**

"HEY!" Mara yelled. "WHO PUT THE GIANT HOLE IN THE COATROOM FLOOR?"

Eddie appeared almost magically and pressed a finger on Mara's face. "Shhhh!" He hissed. She pulled back frowning. "What?"

"We do not speak of the coat room and it's mystical hole." Eddie turned his head quickly and stared off into the distance somewhat dramatically. Mara looked too, but she didn't see anything but the ceiling and a few cobwebs.

"Well...okay." She finally managed, turning back to look at Eddie. "But how did that hole get there anyway?"

Eddie froze, but then quickly took off down the hallway. "Can't talk, gotta poop!" He yelled, behind his shoulder. "Have fun!" She called after him, shaking her head. Of course she knew about the hole. Everyone did. But it was amusing to watch Sibuna squirm...

**Rule 11  
Trudy CAN and WILL put you in the corner.**

"Alfie. What are you doing?" Alfie didn't answer Fabian's question, but instead turned around and glared at Trudy who was calmly folding sheets.

"Alfie was being a sass mouth."  
"So...he's in the corner?"  
Trudy nodded. Fabian was silent.

"You got something to say Fabian? I can put you in the corner too." Trudy said calmly.

"Um. I'm actually good." Fabian said, backing away slowly.

**Rule 35  
Eddie, get out from behind the couch.**

"I haven't seen you all day!" Joy exclaimed, snuggling closer to Jerome.

"It's been busy." Jerome agreed. "I've missed you." He too scooted closer towards her on the couch.

Joy smiled. "Aww!" That's so sweet!"

She smiled at Jerome and he smiled back and in one of those universal squeal-worthy moments they leaned in and..."I guess it's a bad time to tell you guys that I'm right here."

Joy jerked away from Jerome and shrieked again, because once again Eddie was scaring the crap out of her by showing in in strange places. It wasn't enough to drive a girl mad, but it certainly was enough to make her chase him around the yard with a baseball bat.


	4. Rules 12, 8, 24 and 30

**12. Don't call Mick a werewolf. He's very sensitive about his hairy chest.**  
Mick looked down at his hairy chest then back up at the grinning freshman.

"Our next stop on our school tour-the toilet." Eddie snickered from the corner.

**8. Wear earplugs on Finals week. To relieve stress, Fabian sings John Mayer at the top of his lungs.**

"BUT THERE'S NO WAY WE EVER COULD!" Came a LOUD voice from downstairs, causing Nina to wince.

"Here." A pair of earphones landed on her stack of books. Nina looked up to see Patricia nodding. "You're gonna need them."

**24. We don't put Victor's stuffed raccoon into bed with people.**

Groaning, Patricia rolled over. It was Sunday morning and she had no homework. That meant she could sleep for a few extra hours.

She rolled over again trying to get comfortable when her leg met something hairy and stiff. She jerked awake, jerking the covers off her legs to see that she had been cuddling a stuffed raccoon, probably snitched from the cellar.

Patricia screamed and from across the room, Amber giggled.

**30. All those bold enough to blast Blurred Lines run the risk of having to explain to Victor what Blurred Lines is about. You have been warned.**

Nina burst into the room. "Guys. We have a problem."

Amber didn't look up from her nails. "If it isn't a fashion problem, then I'm not interested."

K.T rolled her eyes at Amber. "What's your problem?" She asked, sitting up.

Nina look as if she might be sick. "Victor heard Blurred Lines."

Amber looked up. "What?" "How?" Nina grimaced. "Someone-" she gave a rather pointed look at Amber. "Left their boom box on and he heard it and when I giggled he asked me why I was laughing and I told him that it was because of the song!" Nina wailed.

K.T's jaw dropped. "Then what'd he do?"

Nina winced. "He asked me what it meant."

Amber giggled and even K.T let out a giggle. Nina didn't laugh, but smiled a knowing smile instead. "I wouldn't be laughing if I were you guys."

"Why not?" Amber choked in between laughs.

Nina's smile deepened. "Because I told him to ask you guys."

**Hey guys! Long time no see! Oh come on. Don't look at me like that. I'm sorry, I really am. School has been stressful and I have a nasty habit of giving myself migraines. But you guys totally make me feel better with your awesome comments and amazing feedback. Thank you!**


	5. Rules 25, 10 and 25

**5. Never insult Trudy's cooking, especially her pancakes, in front of the residents of Anubis house. Trudy does not like it when her sweet angels turn into thugs.**

"So, I cut up some more fruit, that should-" Trudy stopped in her tracks and stared. There were empty chairs. "Where are the dears from Isis house?"

Eddie casually cut up a pancake. "Gone."

"Gone where?" Trudy asked, setting the fruit bowl on the table with a clunk. "What did you do?"

"Why do you always assume that we did something!" Alfie protested, slumping in his chair.

Trudy raised her eyebrows.

Alfie grinned sheepishly. "Okay. We did something."

"But we were well justified!" Patricia cut in, stabbing an entire pancake and shoving it in her mouth whole. "They insulted your pancakes." She muttered through a mouthful of butter.

"So...where are they?" Trudy asked nervously. She had known that her wards were a bit melodramatic, but really. This surpassed their usual standards.

Everybody froze. In the silence, a muffled shout came from the laundry room.

With a severe look to stay put, Trudy marched off towards the laundry door, unlocked it, and yanked it open to find the Isis house kids trussed up like animals with duct tape fastened securely across their mouths.

Mara waved at her from the corner where she was sharpening a stick. "Hey Trudy!"

A blonde boy managed to get the duct tape off his mouth. "I'm sorry!" He sobbed. "I didn't mean to make a face. Just please don't let them near me!"

**10. Any leftover takeout will mysteriously disappear unless you claim it.**

Alfie snuck into the living room and stuck his head through the kitchen door. Good. The coast was clear.

Carefully he made his way over to the refrigerator, opening it only a crack, so that the inside light wouldn't turn on and ruin his mission. Slowly, expertly avoiding jostling any troublesome bottles of salad dressing, he managed to get an arm inside. "Ketchup, carrots, salad...spaghetti! Score!" Alfie cheered quietly, grabbing the container, yanking out of the fridge and smiling fondly at it.

"WHO ATE ALL OF THE SPAGHETTI?!"

**25. NO MAKING OUT AT THE TABLE!**

"It's a lovely day out." Mara commented, desperately trying to break the awkward almost silence.

Fabian nodded. "Yeah."

They looked away, trying to at least enjoy their lunch.

"Okay. Let's just address the elephant in the room." Fabian said finally.

Mara nodded, looking relieved. "That would probably be best."

They both looked hesitantly towards the end of the table, both of them blushing furiously at what they saw.

"Um. Patricia? Eddie? Can you please not make out at the table?"

Turns out it is possible to glare and kiss at the same time.

**Aplogies to the incredibly nice FABINALIVES. I read your review again after I wrote rule 25 and I totally forgot to make it a Fabina rule. Don't worry. I have a solution. Anyway, apologies to everyone else for my crappy updating schedule. I just find it really hard to update in the middle of the week. **

**Landshark. **


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